I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
