don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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