I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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