I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
