sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
