you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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