I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
