The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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