My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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