dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
