Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
