My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
