don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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