I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
