Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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