last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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