i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
