Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
