I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
ttyl tear gas
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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