last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
