its not stalking. its research.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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