If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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