I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
