fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
