Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
