Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
