I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
