made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
