I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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