they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
