This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
