Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
