Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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