I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
