Cold hands, warm shart.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
