You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
