Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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