i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
