Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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