Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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