i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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