He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Bring me that man meat
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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