i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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