? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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