i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
