Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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