My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
