I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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