Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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