If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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