The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
